The Heart Attack Grill ⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆
- Tyler Andrew
- Dec 1, 2016
- 4 min read
The calorie crushing burger review is finally here!
There is no question that the heart attack grills mission is to vanquish anorexia and convert people to the softer, warmer, obese lifestyle. There is no other location that capsizes its menu with such caloric chaos and still tries to represent itself as a dining establishment. The Heart Attack Grill is more like an attraction, and its food is something you get to take part in, experience, and check off your list. When you leave, you probably will never want to return, but you'll be glad you went. Unless of course you are over 350lbs. Yes, if you are over 350, you get to eat FREE. And at that point, you might as well try and eat yourself slim.
The food is hard t break down... both into words and in your stomach. The best thing about this place is...well, the experience. Wearing a hospital gown as you eat an obscure number of calories in a restaurant as you watch fork forfeiters get spanked for their short come consumable crimes. Oh yes…. the spanking. You see, If you don’t finish your food, you get spanked. HARD. The whole time your there, you feel like your in a showcase. Movie posters all around that are spun-off takes on the Heart Attack Grill. Merchandise being offered and sold as you dine. It’s interesting to be apart of, and you just roll with it even though your dumbfounded by the whole thing.
The food…it was….the food was….inimitable. Only because I don’t think anyone else would have the impudence to serve solid cubs of butter in a vanilla shake, or have every item on their menu cooked in lard...and be proud of it! It goes against all your morels of what you would convince yourself of putting in your body. But that's just my sick pleasure, what what makes it so appealing! Going there I had the intentions of ordering their largest burger; “The Octuple By-pass burger”. I must tell you though, I am glad I didn’t cause I had enough of a hard time going about the rest of my day after eating their Quadruple-Bypass burger. This was still a 10,000 calorie burger! I have eaten 10,000 calories before, but across the span of an entire day. Never in one sitting.
The ordering scheme for there burgers is choosing anywhere from 1-8 patties and your option of added bacon if you’d like. But because this is the Heart Attack Grill, they give more bacon than anyone else would ever think about. For a little under 4$, I was able to add a pork parade of bacon to my burger. That might have been a whole baby pig! Twenty slices of salty, crispy Babe. It would have been double that if I ordered the Octuple-Bypass. But Two Scoops!! How did it taste…. Listen. It was 4 patties fried in LARD, stacked with chili, cheese, onions, tomatoes and 20 slices of bacon. It tasted amazing! Not in an eccentric, intricate kind of way where flavors blended and carried each other in perfect harmony. NO. It was so damn good for all the wrong reasons! Just the most gourmandizing burger you could sit yourself in front of. You're sweating while eating. And questioning life with each bite, but you wouldn't convince yourself of stopping at any point.
Since I'm 10,000 calories in, why not order fries! Which were also deep fried in pure lard might I add. This really didn’t make the fries any better than your typical thin cut French fries however. I must have been anticipating more considering the indecorous cooking process they went through.
The butterfat shake my girlfriend ordered was just so wrong, but also so right. The vanilla milkshake was good. Incredibly thick, almost to the point of being butter itself. If you didn’t know it came with chunks of butter in it, you’d find yourself being ignorant to the discovery. Thinking; "oh look there are cheesecake bits in here" or "Oh happy day, cake crumbles!". You eat it with excitement and anticipation, popping the glob in your mouth and biting it as your teeth cut through effortlessly. You wait for flavors, its subtle. Faint. You’re confused. Perplexed. Its so recognizable, but it couldn't be...But it is! You start feeling confused on how you should react. You're disgusted, but pleased. You don’t know how to emotionally respond to eating pure butter chunks in a shake. You feel like the fatest person ever. In your mind you are thinking that this should be a time of judgement. Eventually you just cave and accept that this is “normal”, and you are merely at a restaurant....drinking its shakey selections
The meal was over, and I finished my food. I didn’t need to be issued a spanking….but was I really not going to go up there and get one? I am after all all about attaining the full experience. I walk my way to the spanking station, assume the position with buns out farther than I was comfortable with. Looking up I see all the eyes in the restaurant on me and my soon to be assaulted behind. The waitress ripped three ass shattering slaps, one after another. Each one being harder than the last. I swear I tasted paddle board on that third one, and I hobbled back to my table like I had just sat on the kitchen grill top. In the end, I got to ride the wheel chair out for finishing my burger and embraced the glory while I could. The next 24 hours after that was be an in-digestive nightmare.
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Heart Attack Grill. 5 stars. Why? Well it not only fit the criteria, but it cause i'll never forget how delightfully wrong it was!
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